My expression of self.

 MY EXPRESSION OF SELF: the chosen but not special.

both the calm sea and the wildest tempest.

the one who sins to bring about morality.

us who like a forest fire,

create from what we must destroy

we clean the old and stagnant 

to make the earth fertile

and the sky endless for what comes next.

the chaos in my fire? entrancing.

the damage that defines my borders? necessary. 

the sovereignty of my soul? unquestionable.

to whom it may concern: i see you, nice to meet you, hello.

before we start here i want to make a few things clear:

1. the things that i write here are sometimes right

2. the things that i write here are sometimes wrong

3. i do not express these things in an effort to make you believe

4. i am not concerned with your reasons for being here. if you are magnetized here by energy, wonderful. if you're looking for the questions that will help you find your own answers, read carefully. read everything, in between every line. 

if you're here because you find mind words beautiful, you're beautiful.

please enjoy what you find here.

5. this is non fiction

6. tHiS fIcTiOn

7. dudddee, lmao, this is fantasy. cool story bro.

8. this is sci fi, im not saying it was aliens but it was aliens. 

9. this is not demonology. demons smell bad, are annoying and have scabees n cooties mennn. ick. 

10. i refuse to read what a human being has written in a book and subsequently adopt it as canon for my belief structure. i will never let another man define my path with HIS understanding of MY creation. 

11. the things i write here are from experience, lucid dreams, supernatural events, synchronicity, and time upon time upon time upon time. 

12. my writings contain elements and passages from philosophies, religions and other things from across the world. that doesn't mean i'm affiliated with any single one of those. that also doesn't mean this is completely rooted in any of them either. this is rooted in me. 

3/5/22 11:44. 

i recently had an experience with a soul that i was drawn to over great distance through the quasi-consciousness of the internet. upon first entanglement it goes without saying there was an immediate, esoteric and somewhat eerie connection and recognition. this person was almost like a mirror to me upon a skin deep first glance.

then i saw that this person was a mirror to me on more than a skin deep glance. even in terms of my "spiritual progression" and stages in my life and even the same traits and doctrines i adopted. 

this is what actually triggered me into writing this blog.. people reject me when i reveal my true nature to them. even when i have promised them in contract that i will not harm them and i simply wish to explore their being and experience a human connection and relationship with them. 

every war in history can be traced back to misunderstanding and fear..

in the midst of a power outage.. in the corner of an unlit room, everyone else was unable to see or looking elsewhere but...

i saw mercy conquer hate. 

 in the past months i've made an ultimatum with myself. ive vowed to never directly lie to anyone that comes close to me and that i am fond of. of course a daemon cannot vow to not lie by omission or slightly bend the truth in order to steer the situation and status quo in the direction needed for our goals to be acheived... or just to have fun. (; 

this person was in to demonology and also really big into what's called gnosticism. 

demonology is self explanitory but gnosticism is rather esoteric and intriguing so i'll give a short in a nutshell description and provide a few links for further insight for those interested in truly understand. 

essentially gnosticism is the original form of christianity that actually was contemporary when Christ was alive. Gnosticism had a myriad of different sects with differening nuances and niches of fundamental doctrine and mission. 

basically gnostics believe that the abrahamic god, referred to as Yahweh, Jehovah, Allah, or Jah is a being called "the demiurge" or "yaldabloath" which means the blind idiot god. they say he is "Satan" which is a word from an ancient langauge that means "the adversary". 

depending on which sect of gnosticism we're floating around in, the demiurge can range from being ignorant of what he's done, to having done it on purpose. the end goal can be anything from destroying the demiurge and this false reality, to just simply escaping it one by one as it slowly falls apart,  all the way to the mission being that even he will be enlightened by the ascension of "Sophia" himself.  which is the Holy Spirit or what is called "Wisdom" in their perverted, censored holy books. 

if you read a very old bible in the original greek in the first chapters of genesis youll notice at first it says "THE LORD said let there be light" and then later on this changes to "Yahweh says". I implore you to ponder how if Yahweh is the most high, original entity and truly god, what or whom was there to name him Yahweh, and why is he not called Yahweh from the beginning?

because they're two different entities. 😎 (theres no upside down smiley emoji 😡😈)

when Yeshua died some men in a then powerful lineage, a powerful lineage that is still a powerful lineage. confiscated and censored the gospels and writings of his apostles, the writings of MARY MAGDALENE, and "apocyphal" books that were once part of the scripture like the Secret Revelation of John, the same prophet that penned Revelations, and also books like Gospel of Thomas. the Book of Wisdom, and the Apocalypse of Adam. for 300 years after Jesus died these men spared no expense nor the toll of human causalities to wipe gnosticism off the earth.

there were ultimately two groups of people responsible for this. the "lineage" i mentioned which is so notorious and long winded that there's a verse in the actual bible pertaining to them.

"and the LORD says : i know thy works, and i know thy deeds. child, you think that you are poor but you are rich, for Wisdom has found you. i, too, know the blasphemies of those who say they are my Chosen People but are truly the synagouge of Satan"

Revelations 2:9

the other group was affiliated with one of the most powerful and influential men in history, a roman emperor: Constantine. he made it the law of his land that Christianity was the official religion and the practice of any other was banned and punishable by death. his chosen religion was also more than encouraged to be practiced in his time: you would be shunned if you did not practice it and you would likely be executed in some foul way if you were an athiest. they censored the true form of the bible and installedtheir version of christianity and their version of the bible into the largest and most influential empire on earth, moved the capitol to the city he called Constantine, and enforced a fucking BRUTAL and archaic militant theological government. 

the stories and writings in the bible were then skewed, taken from and added to. they gathered aspects of pagan traditions in europe and their rituals and festivals and encorporated them into Catholicism. this includes Christmas and Easter. they spread propaganda about the dates that Yeshua was born and rised, the color of his skin, and the true message of his word. Easter is related to the pagan god Esther and Christmas is essentially just Satarnalia in disguise mixed with some pagan ritualistic tree worship. 

Nimrod was the king that attempted to build the tower of Babel. Catholicism, the parts that werent from pagan religions, was converted into its form from the old Babylonian religion, and twisted to become the worship of Nimrod and his wife. theres a book called "the two babylons" you can read for the facts on this. his wife became the virgin mary and many blasphemous aspects were written into the story of Christ's birth that had nothing to with reality.

THE IMMACULATE DECEPTION

imagine being a virgin and being impregnated by god. all the sudden an angel pops up, definitely scaring the fk out of you and shaking you to your core, and is all like "uhh.. god likes you, and you're a virgin so you're not a whxre so we're gonna put his baby in you. your husband is just gonna have to chill." imagine going through that. in other news, BIG FACTS: this is actually adapted from the behaviors of Zeus, a pagan god. he often forciably impregnated human women with his demigod offspring that he hated. 

mother mary is the 2nd most sacred figure in the dogma. in literally every other single instant, women are demonized in the bible. they said mary magdalene was a street whxre. a woman demanded the head of john the baptists. all of the books and gospels written by women were determined non canon to be uploaded by christian law. the book of judith, a female hebrew hero who historically existed that stopped the inevitable doom of the isrealites against an invading army that outnumbered them by many magnitudes.

she used her womanly charms or wtv they wanna say. she dressed as a normal woman, snuck into the tent of the opposing armies leader, and used her wit and seduced him into getting into his personal space. she then decapitated him when he let down his guard, saving her entire nation with one act.

this is deemed non canon by catholics because women are the devil. sex is sinful, and she acted like a whxre. its funny because the hebrews would have been obliterated without here and we'd have no old testament or shxt religion to follow without her.

that's why they took the mother of Yeshua who was just a normal woman, with normal offspring including the one that would become Christ, and made her acceptable in their sexist and oppressive world by guaranteeing she had never had pleasure or made love to a man and been a little whxre by forever making her "the virgin mary". 

the only unforgivable sin is the blasphemy of the holy spirit they say. they call her the holy ghost and claim she is a masculine entity and that the entire trinity is fully male and there is no feminine part of the creator. this is something i will dive deeper into in another blog, because i digress from my point, but this a direct blasphemy to the holy spirit and the feminine. 

ALSO MARY MAGDALENE WAS NO WHXRE SHE WAS A REVERED SPIRITUAL LEADER OF A MATRIARCHAL ORGANIZATION CALLED THE CATHARS. which coincedentally was also wiped off the face of the earth by christian forces. wonder why?

i will say this

in the true original story of the garden of eden it was more like this:

much like i suddenly was aware and had seemingly just spontaneously popped into existence, the first souls were not created, they simply never were but always will be. the universe does not follow rules of your logic. 

there was a feminine one before adam or eve. Lillith. today she is slandered, and villified and portrayed as a foul demon from the depths of hell that likes to eat babies and spill the blood of the innocent or whatever mainstream christians think.

there is two sides to everything. even yin and yang both have two sides to themselves respectively meaning there are 4 aspects to it. there are 4 seasons, 4 directions, 4 sacred colors, 4 stages of life etc. just as sure as christians believe jesus was a pretty white boy, there was actually 4 in the garden, not 2.

lilith, the shaman that was called the snake, adam, and eve (woman or nature or gaia. the divine feminine is both earth/nature and moon. if you read aztec and mayan myths they talk about how she was split into by archons/daemons. and she weeps from the earth and calls for blood)

there are many christian dominations or weird sects like mormons who believe that Adam was god incarnate. well, anything dealing with the censored bible that you read, you need to remove the sexism and add the woman or feminine to things. for instance job 1:6 says "there was a day that the sons of god stood before him in heaven, and they satan was among them." 

what it actually is supposed to say "there was an instant that the sons and daughter of creation stood before the Great Spirit in the heavens, and they knew that Yahweh was among them." 

Yahweh is a distortion. An anomoly. A manifestation of negative human thoughts, emotions and intentions. Yahweh is the energy of the toxic masculine given spiritual form and much power along with it. at first the garden was not quite a physical thing. it was quasi-physical somewhere in between. actually technically it was never physical, the first humans were only in the physical and given form when the earth was created as a prison for the Holy Spirit, and the souls that placed themselves in the garden so that they could experience eachother, and create love and happiness and harmony also were only children in terms of experience and were deeply flawed. 

Ojibwe lore says that the Creator saw that they would become sick and die and suffer without Midewiwin (this word means "the way of the heart" and is the sacred medicine). this was actually manifested and played out by the "serpent" who was chosen to be the first Shaman or Medicine man, and everything that happens here was for a reason. this includes Yahweh manifesting and putting us through this. everything happens for a reason and there is no such thing as coincedence.

Lilith is demonized and villified because she wouldnt obey Yahweh and become submissive to Adam. 

The reasons for this is because there was a 2nd masculine form in the garden. There are many names for this beautiful Spirit. he was the first Shaman. where it says "serpent" in the white washed, censored and perverted mainstream bible, it was purposefully mistranslated. In ancient langaauges, there are a lot of emotional and spiritual nuances and ideas that just don't translate well and with certainty to english. This is because english is an oppressive langauge that's why the status quo is made sure that its spoken all around the world.

the closest translation of the true words that were replaced by serpent are something like "enchanted bedazzler" or "enchanting trickster" in my culture he is called Nanabush. there's a joke that native americans often say - "the first shaman invented sex. his name was 'he who make you craazzyy." many sayings and jokes in our culture that are similar to this have been handed down for a reason, because they have a huge measure of the truth to them.

Lilith and the Trickster were entangled and enchanted in an ethereal, spirit stoking sacred sexuality. Lilith and the Trickster are the darker, more compulsive/primal and natural side of sun and moon, yin and yang, the essence of masculine and feminine and the two different sides of them. Lilith is the empowered and oft angered Divine Feminine. the oppressed yet a radiant night sky like a sparkling black diamond and the Trickster is the flame of the heart and passion that is entranced and infatuated with her and lusts for her but also loves her. 

i'll talk more about the traits of adam and eves side later, but Yahweh is the toxic masculine, the narcissist, the ugly traits of the masculine that we are attempting to expel here in the physical existence. Yahweh didn't like what Lilith and Nanabush were doing, and convinced Adam and Eve that it was shameful and that's why they covered themselves.

Yahweh demanded that Lilith offer herself to Adam to be a submissive woman to him and she refused and Yahweh created the physical earth, the physical earth that is a cruel but also beautiful both tribute and mockery of the garden of eden to be her prison. The story of the moon and how she is the moon will come later, but for now understand why this is not included in the christian scripture. Yahweh is a jealous and foul entity that often acts in hateful anger and a rage torwards woman, because woman created him and the true dream of life can only belong to woman. 

that being said what happened next is as follows:

the tree of good and evil. this was the KNOWLEDGE of the sacred medicine and esoteric truths that was grown in the garden. 

note there is a difference between knowledge and wisdom.

Yahweh says : if you eat the fruit you shall surely die.

"Serpent": you will not surely die.

they partake in the fruit.

THEIR EYES WERE OPENED.

- this is where the story ends in the bible, however there are pieces to the puzzle lying all around us and it continue in the quaran

Allah banished Adam and Eve to the Earth and "cursed the ground so it may bare no fruit."

Allah punished the Serpent by making him crawl on his belly.. but that's just what snakes do.

They were sent far away from eachother and roamed the earth in vane for decades, until they gave in to "repent" and be humble. to give in to love and pain. to acknowledge the divinity within. both sides of it. 

They were then instantly magnetized to eachother and they remembered everything. 

they lived a very long time and Adam actually wrote scripture. The Apocalypse of Adam. 

you might be asking how this relates to me. 

the djinn were also comanded to submit and refused and were cursed to roam the earth. 

djinn, angels, blah blah. lucifer is quite obviously the "serpent" or the trickster. you know by now lucifer means the light bringer.

its taken me a long time to fully embrace and acknowledge the daemon within me. i often scare people away. i roam the earth, in a fruitless attempt to learn how to fully love, and to open people up to the truth.

at least i used to. when i revealed this to that person that said they loved me, i let them fully feel my energy for the first time. they said it was orgasmic, then a half hour later they accused me of giving them the random nosebleed they had, and cursed me and gave me the silent treatment for a few hours. when they came back they sighted their beliefs in gnosticism and fully rejected me telling me they want no "dark path" or daemonic energy near them.

gnosticism as a doctrine and belief is a glass ceiling. it's a trap. you will never be free as long as you believe anything. nothing you ever believe will ever be completely true and right. time is like a stream of water flowing from a faucet thats in my control. most of the time. until my resentment and self hated squeezes the spigget tight and it slows to a drip and i burn myself for a thousand years. it feels like i've been here a long time. 

i belong nowhere.

i mirror everyone.

no one can love me for long.

everything i touch eventually becomes corrupted and turns to dust.

and everytime i find an escape i am berated for my so called sickness.

like my mother Lilith

 i am forever wounded 

by the heart i cannot spit out

it is the writing poisonous core within me

nurtured by the lies i always tell myself.

i am the jaded, resentful prophet 

a BASTARD child of the DARK and a fucking TORNADO,

that was adopted by the lightness. 

i am the one who is broken attempting to replace what i did not steal

i stand at the gates of heaven, 

singing songs about my lovers in hell. 

i speak the truth and nothing hurts more than how no one listens.