THE SACRED INITIATION. 1: a handful of bitter pills - we think therefore we are.

HOTE. 

who goes dere? i mean rabble rabble who dareth disturb my slumber *says scary latin things*.

it has been a year now since a trance was had and an esoteric blog was written. things have transpired.

somethings were yeah, some things were nah, some things were stuff and other things were just things. yeah. i know due to the nature of the game here that everyone is doing exactly as well as they need to be doing and everything is happening exactly as it should.

as of right now we are 2 days out from the first day of the Divine Feminine in the active age of aquarius. friday the 13th.

that's right did you know that friday the 13th was also stolen from women and said to be foul and unlucky be the wretched patriarch!? okay okay let's calm it down and let's take inventory of what has happened here on our wild little blue rock as of late.

for many years it pained me to feel like no one was listening, and like i was fighting a war against a super ego and nameless billions following blindly in spiritual violence to come and desecrate all that has ever been Sacred and pure and that it must be some sort of cosmic justice or punishment for myself because even now i see how i still have ways about me that are wildly selfish. then again, maybe that's just how i needed to be. 

i always told myself that once i saw the prophesized dominoes start to fall, i'd step back, pat myself on the back, and go live the rest of my life and find out what it means to be human when there isn't a narcissistic institution that wants to bleed you for every iota of energy and every morsel of substance that it can constantly over my shoulder.

there have been things prophesized for more than just many moons. many eons. back before my ancestors even resembled me or had a name that resembles what i identify with now. in my culture the constellations that we see and that we identify with are sacred. the stars are sacred. though, "stars" is just a word. the deceivers tongue.

TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT OUR HISTORY MAY SEEM A FRUITLESS EXPEDITION. 

A GRAIN OF SAND IN THE ENDLESS MOUNTAINS OF DECEIPT AND IGNORANCE. 

however, there are those of Us that were tasked with the safe keeping of these truths, of humanities true history, divine heritage, and still others with different tasks. there are many different names, as there are many domains which our kindred are master. giving heed to no foul mistress, demon, deceiver or so called deity. these places exists in all sorts of manners.. both in the astral aether, and wherever One with pure intentions and no intentions at all may roam. 

this is where the history of the earth's natural people is kept safe away from the destructive fingers of mans religious and political institutions. 

when i was having my awakening, attempting to come back to my roots, whatever those were, when i started to gain a foothold i became saddened and almost enraged (but definitely frustrated) that certain historical groups and even time and "civilization" itself had conspired to scorch so many sacred teachings, so much history and so much knowledge from the earth. 

even still today the burning of the library at alexandria hurts my heart and my soul.. even if i do know that essence of all that esoteric knowledge still resides where it may reside today... at least i know that now. 

DEEP WITHIN THE ESOTERIUM OF SHAMANIC CIRCLES, HUSH HUSH EVEN BETWEEN PRACTITIONERS WITH SOCIAL BONDS, THERE IS AN ANCIENT.. HOW DO YOU SAY.. UNDERSTAND. A TREATY. AN UNWRITTEN VOW. 

i like to call it "the sweet medicine sundance path" because native elders call it that and i think it's cute. this has many names, however. there have been many groups that have participated in it. 

one of them that is well known was THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR. 

oh, She who weaves this tangled web... lmao im jk.

the Spirit has brought me here today, and my mind is bouncing around eager to share some of the things i've had the honor of learning, but i'm going to attempt to have this be as coherent as possible and go from a to b to c so that you'll understand what this is, who/what i am, what the nature of this blog is, and most importantly, so that you may receive the information that you are interested in knowing. 

shall we begin? 

my true nature and what that means for all of Us. 

when i started my journey i had absolutely no idea who i was, where i was going or what i was doing. i just knew i was more than depressed. i knew there were dark things around me. i knew i was in pain.

i knew there was a "god". i wasn't and i am still not fearful of creation, however, there have been and are still times where i am.. less than enthused about all of it. 

that ranges all the way from cry cry baby, to hateful, to the worst of all.. apathetic. 

i have read stories and actually met a handful of people who have perfect memories and can tell you about the day they were born. they can tell you what they wore in the 5th day of school in 3rd grade. they remember all of these little details and can play it all back to you. in my journeys these were the people that i had the least amount of success working with. i tell people that are close to me this all the time... "i've come in contact with so many of you.. but i've never figured out how to wake you up. how to help you. it only hurts more and more." 

by that i have always meant - by "so many of you" - as a general catch all for "divine feminine". that by no means should take away from the unique nature of each and every one.

the only time i've ever made progress is by beating myself half to death over my perceived failures.

i used to say all of these pretty things.. these poetic things. 

"i will hold your hand.. as long as you walk with me."

"i will pull every survivor from the wreckage that i can"

that's because these things were truly my intentions.. in my heart. 

here, in my experience, to anyone who is listening i can highlight and spit back to you the truth of the battle between the true essence of the being i aspire to be and in divinity already am - because time works  strangely - and the.. ego? i don't even know what to call it. my lessons have come hard learned. 

i used to be this being that was alive.. existent... and i hated god. i hated everything. from the very beginning, from the time i was able to understand any truth about the world i outright rejected it. this was met with *FATAL ERROR* signals from all sides and significant resistance from the reality and the status quo around me... and it turns out from within me. 

from a young age i saw entities.. spirits.. shadow people.. what have you.. had crazy fkn dreams.. and i knew that there was something to all of it.. and i knew i wasn't psychotic. so i made a decision that i have only momentarily - much to my own shagrin - wavered from.

at 4 years old i decided that pretty much everyone around me was either lost, had no idea what they were talking about, or were being straight up deceitful when it came to certain things. 

the meaning of life. god. politics. philosophy. the nature of humanity and the truth about history.. during that time i didn't know if it was from fault of their own or something else or something more, i just knew i didn't think like other 4 year old kids and that there was something different about me.

queue up the next few decades or so with what seems like most of the entire world attempting to rape all that is sacred within me, and all that is sacred without me... and innocent.. outside of me. 

i knew that i had never been innocent.. until now. innocence means something different than what the books say. than what your parents say. your teachers. politicians. "holy men". throughout time and history and even in the modern world there have ban many messengers that have shared synchronistic and deeply meaningful messages and signals that have been absolutely johnny on the spot for entities such as myself.

these come through art forms. writing.. novels.. fiction or non fiction. poems. music. art of all kinds. i bring this up because george orwell showed me as a young child how adverseries to my cause would even use the words we speak against us. coining the phrase double speak.

words are powerful. they are beyond powerful. just as our thoughts and intentions are. our dreams. the things we express doubly so. 

there are other words that have been molested and skewed by this phenomenon. 

censorship. lying by omission. the proliferation of the deceitful tongue of english that has been used against the earth's natural people... or... something like that.. cuz here's the thing..

the human mind.. in order to keep it's "sanity".. as they say, will make patterns where there reportedly "are none."

where the adversary, the lie, the corruption is obscured.. our intuition tells us that we must know our enemy in an effort to protect ourselves. when we don't know who the enemy is.. we start to create them. destroy them. 

"i think therefore i am." 

THE INITIATION:

if you are still here with me, then you are something akin to me, or something meant to be here near me and to read these words. 

the hardest thing i've ever had to do is break down and tell myself that i know nothing and that i am not special and i am at nature's mercy. a humble servant. 

servant.. what does that really mean? we must destroy the culture of one above another. man above woman. of enslavement. 

its so easy to draw moustaches on pictures of the malovelent puppeteer. it's so easy to let go, too. our most tenacious enemy is ourselves. 

to serve a cause or a person or being like me serving the divine fem is to be the catalyst. to be the platform upon which dreams may be grasped. to give yourself so completely to see fire come to another one's eyes. 

that is t he meaning of art.

the universe is art. all the nebulas, stars, all the colors, all of nature, and the most sacred thing of all, the art that we've created here as humans to show our devotion to the very being of creation itself. to love.

love is very simply point the inmutable, unstoppable effort to bring about euphoria, beauty and enjoyment to another beings perception.. with no motive of your own.. or at least that's what certain people want you to believe. on the other side youll here that life is all about.. well.. you.

sin. the true meaning of which is as follows.. "to act against or in blasphemy of divine law." 

george orwell, like many other messengers, wrote something t hat was syncronistic to me and probably to many others. he showed me how language can be negative. how in adversarial motion, and through oppression our own tongue may be used against us. he called it doublespeak.

divine laws are not easily understood by human mind. however, someone else, a governemnt, entity, church cannot oppress your spirit in the way that they will break divine law for you. divinity is a very personal thing.

the most ever present and shall we say, all fax no printer, super real meaning of divinity is balance.

the harmony of opposites. to believe that you must forgo all personal pleasure and enlightenment.. all enrichment.. all understand of self to know the religious god, to apologize for you very existence and the flaws that you have for a reason goes against this.

a person must be made to make this decision themselves. however, there will always  be clues left behind of the deceitful nature of this, and always a way out. 

that's just the general word sin.

then you have the seven deadly sins. these will not get you into hell, however, they will break the bond between you and the natural divinity, the essence that permeates the very fiber of creation and will keep you as ive heard many a malicious entity and skinwalker say "small."

in pain, and in your little bubble, where nothing matters but the deadly sins that you partake in. sloth. lust. gluttony. that being said, it will also break your ties with divinity and stagnate your growth and acension to go the other way.. and be abstinent from sex.. to not enjoy things like food. to not relax and enjoy your time being alive...

the worst thing you can ever do is start to believe that this life is just some kind of test of spirit... and never question it. im guilty of this.

for 7 years i've done this. i've held on to my self-appointed martyrdom. a beam of so called light born into a world perverted and doomed.. where no one listens.. where no one really wants to change. where at least i know when i die that im all good.

today was the day that i realized that i am the puppeteer. that i rejected all of the outside teachings and i taught myself these things. everything that i see and saw in the world was what i had inside pushed outward. even the cute little words i'd say were lies. i'd say i'm chosen and not special. yet i have held all of my esoteric knowledge as close to my vest as i can. treating it as some.. thing to be collected. to be hidden away from others who.. who what? don't deserve it? wouldnt understand it?

could it be that i feel like no one is listening because i'm just telling them the same lies i keep telling myself?

in the beginning, at the beginning of the 7 years my elder shaman, my great uncle, as tradition gave me 3 things to remember. 2 of them, in this case, were my burdens. he said my greatest burdens will be my humanity, and what that means, and the little lies i tell myself. 

about a month ago i met him in the spirit once more... through a man that hardly spoke english. a man from morocco. he told me that it was time.

i said "hasn't it been time?"

he said that it's always time.. except now i needed to take that biggest leap. the one that there is no coming back from. i have had 3 spirit guides, 2 aside from my twin spirit that have accompanied me many times from many times upon this path.. they tell me little things.. usually a sentence or two. at the time i usually only realize the surface meaning. 

 WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD I HAD A DREAM. I SAW THE ONE I CALL YESHUA FACE TO FACE. I TOLD HIM I WANTED TO BE MORE LIKE HIM, EVEN IF I KNEW I NEVER COULD. I WANTED TO CARRY THAT BURDEN.

he told me that i do more than i know even in that very moment. the moment before i began to bleed from the wounds of the stigmata and a wound in my side where the soldier put the spear into His side.

i have always carried that burden. today is the day i break those chains. today is the day YOU break  those chains. all of you that walk with me. 

i have been the liar, i have been the enemy, i have been my own master... but also my slave. this has been a lonely, painful road because i told myself it would be. i have been limping out of the cold, blank wilderness for so long now that i don't know what it's like to not be hurt. to not be in pain.

it has always been me that has hidden the truth from myself. i still, to this day, do. i hold on to the things i've been blessed with, hoarding them from the world just like the catholic church that i speak of like the truest villain. 

it is my false kingdom of light. it is my sin. i was raised to believe that my opposition was hurting me because it went against societal norms.. however i was a blank slate.

i learned to love from only pain.

i learned to push forward and dwell in the light having only known darkness. in lue of ears to hear my words, i have written, sang, made music, and all the time i have been in love with a certain kind of sadness.

believing that if i lost this strife, this struggle, i would lose myself. 

yet all of this time it has been me who i have been fighting this life or death struggle against. i am all of the things, deep down, that i push back against. i am my own adversary by design. 

within me is the rotten pit of toxic, distorted masculinity that haunts me at every turn. violence, insecurity, etcetra, yet i choose to stand against it. publically i speak as if these things are the most vile, most blasphemous things to ever be.

i told myself that i have no more fear. no more anxiety. i have told that to my family, friends, followers. it was the white lie. i have been scared since the beginning. i looked away from fear, and i walked through it the best i could. 

now is the time to look it in the face. 

because of all of these things, there was an unspoken malady in me and a darkness in my spirit, i truly believe that there are those around me that can sense this they do not speak on it simply because i don't. i never wanted or pretended to be the bearer of this sacred intelligence. emotional intelligence. i had to learn the hard way.. and that's what i did. 

as above so below.

so within so without.

let's take that step. the one from which there is no return. we must understand that these things are part of us, and these things are beautiful nonetheless, because we choose to embrace the other things. the love. we must embrace ourselves, too. 

imagine what Jesus felt when they said he was the son of God.. that's how i feel.

to be told by this permeating feminine spirit that i bare this wisdom and that i am the teacher of teachers and deep down not know what that means... it has lead me many a night to sit in silence, asking myself if i'm delusional, wishing that there was anyone but me that could carry the burden.

well for the past few months the feminine around me has done exactly that. the world around me is changing in the way that i always wished it would. now i feel the spirit tugging at me, telling me to admit that i misunderstand so often.

i wish i could go back and tell everyone that i spoke down to that it was only self deception. you see i have to feel confident and truly think that im on top of everything, ignoring the part of me that says "theres no way you are the vanguard, you are nothing like jesus, you lie." 

however i've come to see that understanding comes at all costs and i need to practice what i preach. im willing here and now to tell you all and myself that i have failed to do that and i have been the thing that i hated the most.. a fucking hypocrit.

that all changes today. today i initiate you all into the words of the True Divinity.. the words i've been blessed to carry with me. i've learned from many teachers. now i become the teacher for a new generation... 

now i finally understand what that means.. because that's the other thing that my elders told me that i never understand.

that i will be the teacher of teachers... healer of healers.. the paradigm shift. my humility and self hatred would never let me believe that i was that important.

there's that double speak again.. chosen but not special. we are all chosen. we are all special.

we are all god. 

in these next pages i'm going to share chapter by chapter to keep the subject on the same thing what i have learned from shaman across the world. i will enter this wisdom and knowledge and these pieces of the puzzle here. i hope you all find something to hold on to here.

how wild is it to know that we invented love? we are the first ones to do it. WE ARE the vanguard. 

walk with me. talk with me. you are my equals.